neon brazil

2012-01-28T05:42:00.001-08:00

João's been drinking a lot lately. I'm beginning to think he has more than a few major habits.

He was out again last night and got carjacked - apparently he'd picked up a pretty young thing whom he was banging in his car in the very relative safety of a dark alley when two motorcycles carrying three dudes in total came screeching to a halt, one on both sides of the vehicle. The bikers smashed his windows with spark plugs and the one on the driver's side pulled out a piece, scaring the living shit out of the aforementioned lady friend of João's - who was at the time saddled on top of him. Well, the chick ducked down faster than a veteran with PTSD hearing an exhaust pipe bang and just plain twisted João's dick, bending and spraining it painfully enough to render him paralyzed for the remainder of the robbery. Fuck, for all I know it could've been a set up - imagine that, a mousetrap for cocks? I mean, it's bad enough a man gets interrupted by a stick-up right as he's about to nut but to get his privates mashed into a pulp in the process? Fuck me, that's just adding insult to injury.

Anyway, João got jacked but the thing is he's got a hidden compartment in his car in which he'd stashed his car keys, along with a few invites to SPFW, São Paulo fashion week. I don't even want to know where he'd scored those or why he treasured them enough to stash them along with his most prized possessions. Long story short, the robbers couldn't get the engine started and after they'd left with his stereos, cash and a gym bag full of sweaty rags he managed to drive his banged up piece of shit ride back home.

I was blissfully unaware of these events when I woke up this morning and João didn't fill me in until he picked me up and I noticed the broken windows. Well, smelling his breath I insisted on taking the wheel - I already know better than to ride shotgun with him when he's on a binge. I've got better things to do than burn crispy in a fiery explosion resulting from a car crash on a continent I've barely scratched the surface of. Shit, with the luck I've been having I probably wouldn't even die.

Right, so we got to the show and João kept scratching and grabbing at his injured groin in between taking long, lusting gulps of champagne straight out of the bottle. He was making such a hassle, I was sure we'd be ejected by the bouncers before the show'd have a chance to kick off. Well, we somehow dodged a bullet there but if glares could kill, the 95% female audience would've slaughtered us right there and then.

Carl Bergman Photography

neon brazil